I'm not a good blogger.
So the question is....why am I blogging right now?
I've got something on my mind. I'm wondering if I write this all out, if it will help me process it, understand it, make some sense of it all.
If you are reading this, please know that it isn't going to be funny. This is an issue I have cried over many times. Please know that if you read it, and you don't know what to say, that's fine. Just being aware of it would be great for me. If you have something to say, feel free. Please be kind, as I said, this is one that is a long open wound for me. I want to move on and I really just don't know how to make it happen.
If you have never spent time with me in real life, there is one thing that you need to know. I am a girly girl. I don't have an athletic bone in my body. I love everything about being a girl. Makeup, hair, clothes, fingernails. I saw a shirt in the Girls Dept at Target that said, "My favorite color is glitter". The friend I was with said "that is SO you". I love sparkle, shoes, jewelry. As a girl, other than a little flirtation with Legos, I loved my dolls and my Barbie's. I played house all the time and, if you asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always 'a mommy'. I wanted to have kids. That was it.
I always wanted a little girl, from the time I was small. When I got married, I told God that I wanted a daughter, just to put it out there in case it happened sooner than I had planned.
When I got pregnant, I dared to hope. When I had my 20 week ultrasound and found I was having a little boy, I was happy with that. I knew that there were still other opportunities. I love my J-man. He's sweet, polite, and a wonderful young man. Easy going, funny, a great first child.
When I was pregnant the second time, it was very different than the first. Everyone said that they were sure it was a girl. And....it wasn't. I was okay with that. I knew I wanted 3 kids, so my girl could be the baby. I really was fine. Little Dude joined us. He's very different than his brother, so much like my sister, and precious in his own way. I know I was meant to be these boys' mom. But it didn't change how much I wanted a daughter.
I have had a great relationship with my mom. I wanted that with a daughter of my own. Someone to do girly things with. Share all my girly knowledge with. Someone in the house who thinks somewhat like me.
About the time that I wanted a third is when my hubby was deployed to Kuwait/Iraq for a year. When he came back, we wanted to reconnect the family back together. Then I had some health issues.
Please know...I realize how blessed I am to have these 2 great boys. And I try to keep my focus there. And many days, that works. But some days, and always at Christmas time, I feel like an outsider in my own home. Even the dog is male. I feel like no one gets me, cares about my stuff, appreciates my girly side and I get very down. I have cried multiple times today.
I'm getting older (I will be 43 this month). Due to health issues, I'm not even sure I could have a third. I have researched the heck out of adoption. The big issue there is $$$$$$. We are blessed enough that I am a stay at home mom. But that means, the finances are tight. We get by and are paying down the debt we have, but I see no way to come up with $30k to bring a child into our home. And I know that if I did manage to get pregnant, there would still be no guarantees for my little girl.
I get all the reasons why things are the way they are...but none of that quiets my heart and my dreams. Today has been a bad day. Lots of tears over hopes and dreams. Lots of not knowing how to deal with all of this and find a place for my heart where I can be okay with how things are and the way God wants them to be. Any ideas? Advice? Anything?? This is now the 5th Christmas season I have felt this way and I don't see this one going better than the last few. I see so many of my friends spending precious time with their daughters of all ages and I just want to be a part of that so badly...and...here are the tears again.
If you have made it this far....thank you. It means more than I can say. You didn't have to take the time, but you did. Hugs to all my friends that care...
