Fibromyalgia....the bane of my existence

Not the most grabbing title you've ever seen for a blog post.  I know.  I really wish it wasn't a part of my life.

As much as I don't like it, it is a large part of who I am and how I am in this world, so I thought I should write some about it.  I know this is the first time I am taking it on, but it isn't the last I'm sure.

Many have heard of fibromyalgia, but most don't know what it is. And even if you know someone with the disease, you still don't know. Fibromyalgia affects each person differently.  My mom, sister and I all have this.  It is different in each of us even, and we are related.

Fibromyalgia is a syndrome that shows itself in three main areas, widespread pain, fatigue/energy levels, and sleep. Some have one area that affects them more than others.  For me, it started with just the pain.  Then the sleep issues were added and now I deal with all three on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, no one knows why it happens, how it happens, or how to treat it.  There is no cure.  You can take medication to treat the symptoms, but if for whatever reason you stop the medication, those symptoms reappear.

The part that frustrates me (although my frustrations with this change daily, so this is today's complaint) is this.  I know how old I am (in my 40's).  I have always felt much younger than that is my attitude and demeanor.  My brain thinks it is around 25.  My body though, easily feels as if I am in my 60's.  There are many things in life I still want to do, and some I have even tried to do, that my body just can't take. It is extremely frustrating.  I almost have my Masters degree in Elementary Education and if I am in the classroom at all at this point, it drains all the energy I have.  My brain and my heart LOVES kids.  I enjoy that moment that you see the light bulb come on in their eyes.  It brings me such joy to know that I helped a child take one small step that opens up their minds to the world around them and what they are truly capable of. But every time I teach Sunday School or volunteer in my boys' classroom, I come out with my mind buzzing with happiness and excitement, and my body drained of every bit of energy I have. After I leave church, I eat and generally sleep for 3 hours. I can't physically handle the job that I trained to do and love. There are many things that I have to say no to each day that I would LOVE to do. If you know me at all you know that for the last 4 years, I have written and directed VBS at our church each summer.  My brain and my heart really love this.  My body, on the other hand, hates this.  It takes me 3 weeks to physically recover.  3 weeks of sleeping, hanging out at my house.  The first week after it is even difficult to have the energy to get up and get showered and dressed each day. I'm blessed to have a great family, and an especially great husband, who understands this and makes accommodations for me.  But really, I hate that they have to. I hate that I can't be everything I want and should be for them. It really bothers me. A LOT.

Which leads me to another big issue for me with my Fibromyalgia.  Emotional stress and frustrations take a HUGE toll on me physically.  All those everyday worries that we all have, drain me physically.  What little energy I do wake up with each day, is sucked away with each stress or worry in my life. Just even something as simple as needing to wake up early tomorrow for a meeting at the school for one of my boys can ruin the sleep of the night before, and after the meeting, I am wrung out like an old wet dishrag and it is only 8:30 am. I can plan ahead for those things. Make sure that not much is on my plate for the rest of my day. The hard part are the unexpected things.  The nosebleed of one of the boys. The phone call or Facebook message from a friend to talk with your about how what you said yesterday really hurt my feelings.  Let me be clear here, I want to clear those things up with the people I care about, but those calls and messages take everything out of me,  I am generally worthless for the rest of my day.

At this time, I don't have the physically energy to get me through a NORMAL day in my life, much
less a not normal one, and let's be honest here, how many normal days do we actually have?? Not
many.  Every time I see a doctor, any doctor, I get told that I need to destress my life.  Without abandoning my family, finding lots of $$ and becoming a hermit, that will never happen. And the hard thing is, I'm a people person. I love talking to people, being with friends. That brings me joy and laughter.  I want to enjoy those that I care about and enjoy a 'normal' life to the best of my ability.

I wish I could end this post with answers.  With a direction to head in. But I don't have the answers. And today is not a good day in terms of my fibromyalgia.  I hate the feeling that I don't really know where to go from here.

The question I get asked most this time of year :)

My birthday is December 22. When I mention my birthday, everyone's next question is "What is it like having a birthday that close to Christmas?"

The question is a bit difficult for me to answer. I don't feel that unique in that regard. I am the oldest of 3. My birthday is the 22nd, my sister's is the 14th, and my brother, who is 12 years younger than me, is ALSO the 22nd. Yes, all 3 of us were born within 8 days of each other. No, it wasn't planned (my brother and I both qualify as 'surprises'). Yes, my parents are poor planners. But once I became a teenager, I discovered if you count backwards, you arrive at their wedding anniversary ;)

So, at my house, everyone had a birthday at Christmas. I had my birthday to myself until my 12th. And when my brother was born, I really wanted a brother and thought it was cool to share my day with him. (If you ask me now...:))

When we were very young, my sis and I had joint birthday parties. As we got older, the parties split. I have had birthday parties at many different times of the year. January, February (Valentine themed), March, and April (Easter themed).

I don't think I have ever had a party on the actual DAY of my birthday. So many are traveling or just really busy trying to finish up. When we were younger, Mom and Dad gave us the 'big' present for our birthday, like a new bike. Christmas was all the smaller stuff.  When you woke up on the morning of your birthday, all your presents were wrapped (in birthday paper) under the Christmas tree. (The Christmas presents were all shoved to the back). We each got to pick our birthday dinner, which was almost always at a restaurant. With the age difference between my brother and I, he picked lunch, say McDonalds or Burger King, and I picked dinner, say Red Robin.  When I was a teenager, usually my birthday was the final day of shopping for our family. We usually went to the mall and worked on stockings and any final buying.

Because of the holiday, and no one really wants to shop more, I probably get more gift certificates than most. Or, I get taken out to eat. Some years, I have gone a week or more without eating dinner at home. That is not good for your waistline. Or the one year we got snowed in right after Christmas and we had no groceries in the house because I hadn't cooked in over a week, so no grocery shopping.  Due to all the gift certificates, I have a large winter wardrobe and not much spring and summer clothes. The last couple of years, I have made myself save the gift certificates and spend them in the spring.

If you know anyone with a December birthday, take the time to wish them a great day. Try, if you can, to not roll Christmas and birthday into one. It is probably more difficult for kids than adults. (I used to think it wasn't fair that I only got presents once a year, when all my friends got presents TWICE a year.) As I got older, I understood that others forgot because they were busy. I am good about announcing my upcoming day (this blog maybe?? LOL) as a 'helpful reminder' to everyone.

So, now you have all had the most asked questioned answered for you today.

Bullying happens to everyone...

Bullying is something that has been happening to someone close to me. The media has really done us a disservice. We do see stories about bullying in the media, but they are always a child, teenager, or young adult. It does happen in those age groups, but it also happens to adults. My friend is the same age as I am. Her bullies? Adults as well. 

What is not understood is the difference between having an opinion and bullying. Everyone has the right to their own opinion. I am fully aware that everyone does not, nor will they ever, agree with me 100%. The United States was founded so that people of differing opinions could have a place to live where they could act upon their opinions without oppression.

You have a right to your opinion. You have the right to act upon your opinions. If you don't want to see a movie, don't. If you don't want to read a book, don't. If you don't like a person, you have the right to walk away, not spend your time focused on them. You DON'T have the right to punish them. You DON'T have the right to make their lives a living hell. You can believe what you want. 

We have just gone through a presidential election. I have many friends that have differing political opinions than I do. Many of them may not even know how I voted. I voted based on my opinions. I expect my friends did as well. But it is not my right to tell those people who voted differently than I did that they suck, they are dumb, and due to their vote I will make their lives a living hell. 

Just as I have an opinion, you do as well. Be grateful that we live in a place that we are allowed those opinions and the right to act upon those opinions. But we also need to remember that our opinions cannot be forced on others, they cannot be an excuse to be evil to others, they are not a license to bully.

Have a clear understanding of this as an adult and take the time to talk with your children about these rights. Help them to understand that there will NEVER be a person that agrees 100% with their opinions. We live in a land of many opinions but we must know how to properly 'get along' with others. 

One more note, be very clear of the laws of this land we live in. You may believe that I am a 'fraud', but if you go to a public setting, say Facebook or Twitter, and state your opinion, you have just broken the law by infringing on my rights. You have a right to your opinion, but if you state it as fact in a public setting, you have gone too far.

I have seen a lot over the last 15 months and have been shocked by the lengths people will go giving their opinions on situations that they have no personal stake in. 

If you are reading this and you are being cyberbullied, let me give you some advice. Protect yourself. Print a hard copy of every incident as soon as it happens. That way, if the bully decides to delete it, you will still have a record of the abuse for prosecution if necessary. Surround yourself with the many who love you. Talk about it, don't keep it to yourself. Find trusted people who you can talk to and that will support you and help you remember who you truly are. If you need help, leave me a comment here and I can put you in touch with some resources and people who will and want to help you. If you comment here, no one will see it. I have the comments moderated and I will see your plea and respond to you without making that comment public. And know that no matter who you are, there are people who care about you.

Yes, I'm still here and I am still bad at this....

I want to be better at this. I have had lots of things roaming in my head for days. Some that I can talk about. Some that I can't. But I am finding more and more that I can work things out by getting them out and on 'paper', so to speak. So plan on checking in more often. 

The thought I want to share today is that the way we treat others is a window to our souls. Not how we treat our friends, but how we treat those we don't know. Are you kind to the poor girl ringing up your Christmas presents? Even though the store didn't have what you want? How do you treat that teenager working at McDonald's so they can go to college? What about the barista who just got your order incorrect? What about that guy that just cut you off on the freeway?

My sis and I were just talking about this. She said she wants to walk away knowing that she made their day just a little bit better. After the clerk asks you how you are, she asks how they are. Just a simple question and a little understanding goes a long way.

Take a moment today to bless someone in that small way. Don't take out your frustrations on someone just because they are there. Try to spread a little joy to everyone, not just those on your Christmas list.

L-dude's school problems

I know I have mentioned it on FB and Twitter, but for those of you who are confused, or wanting to know more, I thought I would lay out the situation here a bit more clearly.


The first thing I need you to know...If you happen to be one of my friends who I get to be with on a regular basis...L-dude knows NOTHING about this. As you continue to read this post, you will see why. Our decision not to tell him about this was made with his psychologist. So, my request is please don't mention this to him :).


Both boys have been attending school out of district for the last 6 years. There were many factors in that decision, which aren't really a part of this now. Each year I have to fill out a release form in the district where we live, and take it to the district headquarters of the district the boys attend in. Each year, around March, I get letters stating that they are both enrolled for the next year. The general message, in year's past, was that once you were 'in', you would remain 'in', so I have never really worried much about this process.


Around mid-March, I got the mail and there was a letter from the school district. My assumption was, it was the acceptance letter for L-dude. When I opened it, I was shocked to find that the school district had declared 9 schools 'closed' to enrollment for out of district transfers, both new AND EXISTING. Our elementary was on the list. The junior high J-man attends was not on the list, thank goodness. There was no information in the letter about an appeals process. Just a sentence saying that I was welcome to pick another school in the district that wasn't on the list and he could go there.


I love my little guy to pieces. But what many don't know is, he has a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He has been on medication for that for 1.5 years. He's sees a psychologist every other week. He does not do change well. AT ALL. Each fall, even though he knows his fellow students, the school building, and the basic staff, he worries all summer long about school starting each year. This fall, he did not relax at school until mid-November. It takes him that long to feel safe in his surroundings. His teacher noted this year that she really didn't get to know him as person until the second grading period.


So, being told that I should pick a school he has never seen and knows no one immediately sent us into battle. I have spoken to many at the school, at the district level. I have spoken at 2 school board meetings. I have worked with our favorite board member (We love you Ms D!) and tried to get an appeal process put into place. That is still in process. I have learned a lot about our district, school board, and superintendent through this process, a lot of it being not flattering to a district that is supposed to be one of the best in our state. 


As part of the process, I had to file an appeal with the state Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction. The appeal is to be heard by a judge. I asked many people if I needed an attorney for this process. I was told by all that I asked that I didn't need an attorney. I called in for the pretrial conference and found it to be WAY more formal than I thought and that the district had their attorney representing them. Not at all what I was led to believe. I was informed that I have to submit exhibits and witness lists. I have to make an opening and closing statement. I have to cross examine witnesses. All against someone who went to school for this and passed the bar, none of which I have done. It really threw me for a loop yesterday.


I have a plan.  Since the case is next week, I won't share my plan right now. Now I am just giving myself the 'you CAN do this" pep talk. Please keep me in your thoughts as I prepare for this. The case is to be heard next Thursday at 9:00am. If you could spare a prayer for me then, I would appreciate that as well. I wish I didn't have to do this, but I feel like I owe L-dude and I need to be able to tell him that we did everything that we could in this fight. So I will press on.


And if you could pray for him as this all plays out. Pray for his understanding. Prayers for the next steps for him. That the right choices will be made and that he will be okay with whatever that is.  I want to keep seeing this happy face as much as possible....

I know...I don't do this well....

I'm not a good blogger.

So the question is....why am I blogging right now?

I've got something on my mind.  I'm wondering if I write this all out, if it will help me process it, understand it, make some sense of it all.

If you are reading this, please know that it isn't going to be funny. This is an issue I have cried over many times. Please know that if you read it, and you don't know what to say, that's fine.  Just being aware of it would be great for me. If you have something to say, feel free. Please be kind, as I said, this is one that is a long open wound for me. I want to move on and I really just don't know how to make it happen.

If you have never spent time with me in real life, there is one thing that you need to know.  I am a girly girl.  I don't have an athletic bone in my body.  I love everything about being a girl. Makeup, hair, clothes, fingernails. I saw a shirt in the Girls Dept at Target that said, "My favorite color is glitter". The friend I was with said "that is SO you". I love sparkle, shoes, jewelry.  As a girl, other than a little flirtation with Legos, I loved my dolls and my Barbie's. I played house all the time and, if you asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, the answer was always 'a mommy'. I wanted to have kids. That was it.

I always wanted a little girl, from the time I was small. When I got married, I told God that I wanted a daughter, just to put it out there in case it happened sooner than I had planned.

When I got pregnant, I dared to hope.  When I had my 20 week ultrasound and found I was having a little boy, I was happy with that.  I knew that there were still other opportunities. I love my J-man. He's sweet, polite, and a wonderful young man.  Easy going, funny, a great first child.  

When I was pregnant the second time, it was very different than the first.  Everyone said that they were sure it was a girl.  And....it wasn't.  I was okay with that.  I knew I wanted 3 kids, so my girl could be the baby.  I really was fine.  Little Dude joined us.  He's very different than his brother, so much like my sister, and precious in his own way. I know I was meant to be these boys' mom.  But it didn't change how much I wanted a daughter.

I have had a great relationship with my mom. I wanted that with a daughter of my own. Someone to do girly things with.  Share all my girly knowledge with. Someone in the house who thinks somewhat like me. 

About the time that I wanted a third is when my hubby was deployed to Kuwait/Iraq for a year.  When he came back, we wanted to reconnect the family back together. Then I had some health issues.

Please know...I realize how blessed I am to have these 2 great boys. And I try to keep my focus there.  And many days, that works.  But some days, and always at Christmas time, I feel like an outsider in my own home.  Even the dog is male. I feel like no one gets me, cares about my stuff, appreciates my girly side and I get very down.  I have cried multiple times today.

I'm getting older (I will be 43 this month). Due to health issues, I'm not even sure I could have a third.  I have researched the heck out of adoption.  The big issue there is $$$$$$.  We are blessed enough that I am a stay at home mom.  But that means, the finances are tight.  We get by and are paying down the debt we have, but I see no way to come up with $30k to bring a child into our home. And I know that if I did manage to get pregnant, there would still be no guarantees for my little girl.

I get all the reasons why things are the way they are...but none of that quiets my heart and my dreams. Today has been a bad day.  Lots of tears over hopes and dreams. Lots of not knowing how to deal with all of this and find a place for my heart where I can be okay with how things are and the way God wants them to be.  Any ideas? Advice? Anything??  This is now the 5th Christmas season I have felt this way and I don't see this one going better than the last few.  I see so many of my friends spending precious time with their daughters of all ages and I just want to be a part of that so badly...and...here are the tears again.

If you have made it this far....thank you.  It means more than I can say. You didn't have to take the time, but you did. Hugs to all my friends that care...

One More Thing to wait on...

So, on the way home from errands this afternoon, I was rearended. I was alone in the car and stopped at a stoplight. It was raining at the time. I was hit from behind. The guy said that his truck slid as he put on the brakes. He was totally freaked out. He is 20 and this is the first accident he has ever had. I spent most of the time telling him that it was okay, we weren't hurt, it happens to all of us. I even talked to his mom. His truck bumper didn't line up with my bumper. It lined up with my license plate on the rear van door. It's dented in. I think a new door is in my future. I don't think that it would open if I tried-which I haven't yet cause what if it got stuck open??? The backup cam on my back door now shows me the bumper when I put the car in reverse. Not so good.

I'm now thinking I will have a rental car for a few days, once we get the service scheduled. It's drivable now, just looks bad from the back.

Now I question how bad I really needed to run those errands :)